On Life and Loving
by Kitty Howell
Summary: He ignores the look Donna throws him and the disappointment he feels when Mike goes to hug him but then stops because Harvey Specter cared about one person in the world and that was himself and most defiantly not Mike Ross.


_I do not own Suits._

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><p><strong>On Life and Loving<strong>

Harvey Specter did not care about anyone but himself. Sure, he likes Jessica. She was the one who had guided him though the tough years and had been the one to give him his first shot when she first hired him to be her associate. Harvey also likes Donna. The woman is the greatest assistant he ever had. She does things without being told and is both witty and smart and completely on top of everything. Ray is an honest man and a trusted driver who Harvey plans to keep around for a long time. Hell, Harvey doesn't like Louis but he'd save him from getting hit by a bus if he could.

One could probably make the mistake that he actually cared for these people, but no one did. It was blandly obvious that Harvey did not care for anyone other then who he saw when he looked in the mirror. Yes, he liked his boss and his assistant and his driver. And yes, he respected them, even Louis when the guy wasn't being a complete dick, but Harvey didn't care for them.

And then there was Mike. The younger man was constantly trying to get Harvey to admit that he cared for him. Which he didn't. But for whatever the reason, the kid didn't seem to believe him. He did the things he did for him because it was what Mike needed to become a better person and a better associate. And a better reflection off of Harvey. Yea, that's it. A better him for Harvey.

So yes, he does threaten to beat Louis' ass if he ever messes with Mike again and risks his life to save Mike's dead weight best friend despite the number of times he'd told him to cut Trevor out of his life. And maybe he does listen to his advice more then he does Jessica's orders and trusts him more then he does Ray despite the reasons not to. None of it means Harvey cares about him because he only looks out for number one. It was just how it went. It was how he was known. It was how his parents raised him.

"Why Harvey, I do believe you care." It isn't Mike who says it, but Jessica this time as she looks down at him and smiles with a knowing glint in her eye. She just witnessed him belittling another associate who had been harassing Mike, but instead of being angry, she's amused.

Harvey's lips pull back into his cool and collected trade mark smirk, though his heart starts beating widely in his chest. "Jessica, you insult me. I thought you knew me better then that."

"I know you just fine." the older woman says, holding back a laugh. "It's why I find this so amusing. Admit it. You care about him."

"I don't know what you are referring to." he shoots back. _This can not be happening to me. _"I was merely making sure that what's his face doesn't distract Mike from doing his job. I can't afford for him to get caught up in office rivalries." _Really, that's why._

"Uh-huh." Jessica says shortly, stopping at the elevator. "Who you trying to convince, Harvey? Me? Or yourself?" she winks at him, causing him to stagger back slightly, slowing his response time.

He shakes his head clear of his thoughts as he says "I don't care about him." just as the doors are closing. "I don't care about him…" he says more quietly before continuing his walk to his office.

He ignores the look Donna throws him and the disappointment he feels when Mike goes to hug him but then stops because Harvey Specter cared about one person in the world and that was himself and most defiantly not Mike Ross.

…

Harvey knows he cares about Mike. It pisses him off. What really pisses him off is the fact that it's just Mike. He still feels the same way about the other people in his life, though it has came to his attention that he's actually trying to do right by other people in order to make Mike happy.

He finds himself listening to Mike talk, even when the fake-lawyer begins babbling about things that have nothing to do with their cases or the firm or anything that Harvey has anything to do with. He knows Mike's favorite place to order a pizza and exactly what he likes on it and he's even beginning to notice a little twitch in his chest whenever Mike looks tired or sad or anything but having that all too goofy smile on his face.

It's all seriously getting on his nerves because, again, he's Harvey Fucking Specter and he doesn't have time for that kind of shit. His parents taught him that no matter how much you liked or trusted someone, the only person who could be truly accounted for is yourself. They raised him to be the man he was. To be the lawyer that he was. And he liked who he was, thank you very much. He doesn't need to start caring about someone and getting all mixed up. It was completely unfair. Why did this need to happen to him?

"Morning." Donna greets somewhat happily, holding out a cup of coffee and a sticky note for him to grab. "Your messages." she clarifies.

"Thanks." Harvey speaks softly, the word coming out in a half growl. He says thanks but it sounds more like a _back the fuck off me. _He rolls his eyes slightly even though he has no right because Donna is doing exactly what she is suppose to be doing.

"Well excuse you." the redhead shoots back with a slight glare. Harvey wants to bite her head off but stops himself from saying anything because Mike comes walking up to them, looking exhausted and completely wreaked but somehow completely adorable all at once.

It only pisses Harvey off more because he's actually worried about the kid. He knows he's fine, he knows he can handle the pressure because the kid is literally a genius and he knows with certainty that he had done the exact amount of work when he first started. But no matter how many times he tells himself it, and actually believes that Mike will be just fine, he still can't stop himself from worrying.

The older man tries not to groan out loud as he heads into his office, Mike trailing behind him like a lost puppy with the briefs for their new case he'd been told to look over for any mistakes. He sits down and does his best not to look up at his associate. Mike is so tired he doesn't notice. He just sets the papers down, tells Harvey where the mistake is they can use and then falls back on the couch with a small thud.

The senior partner starts looking over where Mike's notes were, part of him happy and rather impressed that Mike had found the mistake. It was bylaws that Jessica had written up herself, after all, but his eyes kept flickering to Mike. He almost told him to go home and get some rest despite knowing Mike would be fine and that he needed him there.

"You okay?" Mike finally asks, rubbing his eyes and looking like he's straining himself to stay awake. Harvey notices that he must not have had his red bull yet. Harvey notices that he notices it. It only pisses him off more. "You're frowning more then usual and what was up with that thing with Donna?"

"How I handle my employees is none of your concern."

Mike hesitates for just a moment before speaking, "…true." It is, really. Because is also an employee of Harvey's and he doesn't have any right to tell him how to run things. "I'm just worried about you."

That's when Harvey snaps. He doesn't understand why any of it is happening to him. Why Mike is unknowingly pulling him from his comfort zone and making him care and worry and just…like him. It is completely Mike's fault. If he wasn't so…him, Harvey wouldn't be having this problem.

The reason is illogical and he knows that deep down but he doesn't care as he blows over the top. "Why don't you just go home?" he screams, making Mike jump. He hates that he scared him but there was nothing anyone could say or do to make him stop. "I don't need a useless associate lounging around my office when work needs to be done. So just go home and clean yourself up and come back when you're actually ready to do something!"

Mike leaves silently and returns less then an hour later, showered, shaved, dressed, and ready to work. He doesn't say anything to Harvey about his outburst and he doesn't ask him if he's alright again that day. Or the next. And he's grateful for it because the look on Mike's face for those two days makes him feel guilty.

It only pisses him off more.

…

By now Harvey realizes what's happening to him. It amazes him that it took so long to figure it out, but he's using the excuse that losing your 'I don't care about anyone but me' state of mind wouldn't normally count as a death. Going through the five stages of grief is kind of pathetic, but Harvey is arguing that the state of mind is part of him. So part of him is dying.

He's moved past the denial and the anger and even apologized - in his own way - for what he'd done to both Donna and Mike. The bargaining stage is next, and despite telling himself that the anger stage is where it ended, he finds himself looking up at the sky and thinking, _God, I will give up senior partner if you just let me go back to the way I was. _

The thought is ridiculous for two reasons. One, Harvey would rather throw himself in front of a bus then give up his new position. And two, if there was a God, why would he waste his time negotiating something so stupid?

In reality, Harvey is smart enough to know that it is inevitable. He knows the part of him where he comes first is gone from his life, but reality isn't making much sense as it is and so Harvey is sticking to being stubborn. He wants to stop caring about Mike. And he's seriously ready to do anything to stop. Before it becomes too late to do anything at all.

Harvey is just getting back from lunch with a new client for a very important case when he hears crying. He looks up automatically, which isn't unusual. What is unusual is the fact that he actually stopped to listen to what was going on even after seeing that he had never seen the woman before in his life.

The blonde, slightly pudgy woman is crying so loud he thinks the entire floor must be able to hear her, but she's also crying so hard he can barely make out the words she says. He manages to catch a few things here and there. He hears, "…he beat me…" and "…custody of the kids…", and his ears burn a little when she says, "I can't afford an attorney".

Jessica reaches over and holds the woman's hands. She smiles sadly and says something Harvey can't hear but the woman smiles and hugs Jessica like she is the savior. _She must be taking the case Pro Bono. _

He turns to leave but then catches Mike out of the corner of his eye. The associate must have been on his way to Harvey's office like he was when he heard the crying. Mike is staring at the woman, his face contorted with sorrow. Harvey's own heart aches at the sight. He felt bad for the woman before. Now he feels like he should do something to help her. He tries arguing with himself, but this isn't like Dominic where either way it was a lose-lose. This woman truly needed help.

Later, when Jessica goes to hand the case to Louis, Harvey snatches it up with the promise of doing everything he possibly can because all he can see is Mike's face. As he walks away, he can't help but look up and think, _Seriously God, give my senior partner position to anyone. Just make this stop._

…

Harvey feels like shit. At first he thinks he's coming down with something until he realizes he's moved from bargaining and into the depression stage. He's frowning out of sadness instead of annoyance and letting small sighs of pain escape his lips every so often.

His body is aching. Especially his chest. It's getting heavier and heavier with each day that passes and seems to double whenever he sets his sights on Mike. He's purposely keeping Mike away, sending him out of the office to see clients and even just to go pick up food. He even offers Mike the weekend off and says he'll to do all of his work. He knows it'll make people talk but damn it, he honestly just doesn't care.

He stops gloating at the office for a while, finding it hard to gather the energy. He makes attempt here and there. They go well and no one really grows too suspicious of him. No one says anything. Except Mike. The young man asks if he's okay one night and Harvey just tells him he's going home.

Nothing seems too important anymore. He's worried that he's not going to be as good as the lawyer he was once. The one who got things done without letting himself get emotionally involved. He's starting to have to force himself into doing the best he can on his cases because, really, what's the point? Everything he ever knew is gone and now he's not sure what to do. If there's even something to do.

It isn't about him liking Mike or caring about him. It's about loving him. Harvey thinks it's one thing to like someone. Another thing to actually care about them. And something entirely different to love them. Especially fall _in_ love with them. Somewhere between the three stages he'd been through he realized he does- and it _sucks_.

The constant struggle of just wanting to be near him but knowing he should stay away. Wanting to tell him but fearing rejection. He doesn't believe in a million years that Mike could ever like him let alone love him. The only reason he gathers the energy to go to work the week after the stage starts is because Mike will be there and he just wants to see him.

And then one day it hits him. He comes home late from work and the place is big and empty and lonely and Harvey feels himself starting to cry before he does but he's helpless to stop it. His crying is silent but his tears come out fast and steady. He cries so much that he shivers, goose bumps covering his skin. He crawls into bed without taking his suit off and reaches for the phone a total of five times to call Mike because he just wants to hear his voice. He stops himself every time. He finally manages to fall into a restless and dreamless sleep and wakes up more tired then when he went to bed.

He tells himself that it'll get better. That it's just one of the stages and it ends at some point. But Harvey had never believed he'd ever grow to accept the changes in the first place. Now he feels he's further away then ever before.

…

Things gradually start to get better. Things go back to normal. As normal as they can be. Harvey is finally finished with all of the stages and moves into what must be the acceptance stage, though he doesn't really feel like it is. It feels empty, like something is missing but he doesn't know what it is let alone how to get it.

He's back on his game, being the badass lawyer he is, gloating around the office, and making Louis look a complete fool. He realizes that getting emotionally attached isn't something he can really do, but even if he does look after the emotional well being of the client a little, it's not so bad. As long as he separates the lose-lose situations from the people who truly need help. It doesn't stop him from doing his job, but it doesn't make him any better. It makes it slightly easier, though. His clients seem more trusting of him and it helps when it counts.

His feelings for Mike never go away. They get stronger and soon Harvey knows he loves the younger man more then anything. But he never does anything about it. He doesn't really know why. It wasn't like Mike hadn't done things out of the professional boundary, pushing it more and more as time went by. They seemed like hints. Harvey choose to ignore them.

It wasn't easy. What with Mike sitting just a little too close and touching him whenever possible. Always talking about how worried he was and how he'd do anything for him. Sometimes Harvey thinks Mike actually does like him, maybe even loves him. He hopes he does, secretly. But whenever he thinks he might do something, he just tells himself hoping and knowing are too different things and Harvey can't risk losing Mike. He'd rather have Mike around as his associate and friend then lose him. He'll take whatever he can get.

Harvey is just finishing pulling up the zipper of his pants when he hears the bathroom door open and close behind him. He doesn't think much of it until the person doesn't move from the door. He turns and is only somewhat surprised to see Mike standing there, his hand on the lock. The metal clicks heavily and echoes throughout the empty restroom.

He isn't surprised to see him there. Mike has been trying to corner him for a week with Harvey successfully getting out of each scenario the two were put in. He'd purposely gone to the bathroom when the younger man was suppose to be on his lunch break, but he knew he wouldn't be able to stay a step ahead forever.

Harvey isn't nervous. He just smirks slightly as he moves to the sinks to wash his hands. Mike is right behind him, arms crossed as he leans against the frame in between two of the stalls. Harvey looks at him in the mirror and makes sure to never take his eyes off him as he washes and dries his hands. When he throws the paper towel away, he turns and tries to speak, but Mike beats him to it.

"Are you done with your grief yet?"

Seven words and Harvey finds himself going through them again. First he doesn't want to believe that Mike had known the whole time, and then gets mad he never said anything to him. He starts offering everything he has to God to make Mike just disappear and then he's a little sad Mike didn't make the first move if he knew. And finally, he's back where he started, smirking at the younger man in front of him like he was the one cornering him.

"I was worried." Mike admits, looking away for a moment before looking back.

"Of what?"

Mike starts to step closer. "That you weren't okay. That I had been wrong."

"Who says you aren't?"

He takes the final step and now they're chest to chest, face to face. "You haven't stopped me yet."

He should have. He really should have. Because now Mike is close enough for Harvey to smell the scent of the shampoo he uses. He wants to say something but his eyes are pulled to the sight of Mike's neck. He didn't notice it until now, but Mike had loosened his tie and unbuttoned the first two buttons on his shirt.

Mike reaches between them and places his hands on Harvey's chest, leaning into him slightly. The other leans forward before he can stop himself and finds himself trapped. He leans down to kiss him but stops when Mike opens his mouth again.

"Admit it."

There is no question of what he wants him to admit, but Harvey promised himself that he wouldn't tell Mike or anyone else that he cared for him. A smirk crosses his face, "I love you." he tells him before diving in for the kiss. Mike gasps, obviously not expecting the response he was given. Harvey's smirk grows in the kiss at getting the upper hand as he pushes Mike back against the frame he had previously been leaning against.

Mike doesn't fight. He wraps his arms around Harvey's neck and pulls him closer, kissing him back with just as much passion as the older man is giving. They battle for dominance, a fight Harvey quickly wins. They pull apart as soon as the need for air becomes too overwhelming. Harvey rests his forehead against Mike's, his eyes wide open. Mike can see the wheels turning in his head and gives him a look that clearly tells him to just ask the question they both know he wants to.

"You want to come back to my place?"

…

It's just before dinner time when the boys make it back to the apartment. Many tenets in the building eye the two boys but say nothing. If Mike didn't want to jump Harvey's bones as bad as he did, he would have been upset for not being introduced.

The older man seems to notice this, "You can meet them in the morning." he tells him as he opens the door to his condo. Mike steps in and attacks Harvey's mouth right away, forcing the older man to shut the door behind him with his foot. "Eager, are we?"

He laughs as Mike kisses down his neck, but shuts up when his associate bites down rather harshly, a moan escaping his lips.

They don't waste anymore time. They stumble towards the bed, ripping clothes off as they go. Harvey pins Mike below him as he prepares him slowly and then places light kisses on his lips, neck, and chest as he enters him. Mike hisses in pain and claws at the bed sheets under him. Harvey moves slowly, holding back as every instinct in his body tells him to ram into the smaller boy. He reaches in between them and just as slowly begins to stroke Mike.

Mike is moaning his name as he digs his nails into his back and when he wraps his legs around Harvey's waist, the older takes it as his cue to speed up. Mike's moans get louder as his nails get deeper. Harvey's hand becomes erratic and clumsy and soon ribbon after ribbon of cum shoots out and covers them both. Hearing Mike scream his name as he cummed sends Harvey over the edge, Mike's name slipping from his lips before he can stop it.

He pulls out and rolls over next to Mike. Before he can say or do anything, Mike is tucked next to him, laying on his side with his head rested on Harvey's chest. It's an odd feeling. Harvey doesn't cuddle, but he thinks he could get used to it. He's about to nod off but opens his eyes as Mike begins to speak.

"I've been meaning to ask you…" he murmured, opening his eyes and looking straight into Harvey's. There's a glint in the blue irises that matches so well with his smug smirk. "…Stages of grief? Really?"

Harvey's chuckle nearly shakes the bed. When he calms down, he can't help but say, "Part of me died." Harvey told him, only half joking. "How long have you known?"

"I didn't…I mean, I knew you cared…I didn't know you cared that much. And I starting picking up on the five stages somewhere in between anger and bargaining." he pauses, "I'm sorry you had to go through the depression stage by yourself." he pauses again, "It's an important stage…You need to go through it. And it's best to do it alone..." Mike gulps because he knows how dangerous that could have been…He knows what could have happened.

"I mean what I said, you know." he tells him, wrapping his arms tightly around him when he realizes he doesn't regret it.

Mike smiles sheepishly, "I love you, too."

Harvey is distracted from the adorable sight by a thought. It shouldn't really bother him, at least not as much as it does. "Why didn't you ever do anything?"

The younger man started to drift off, "That part of you had to die first." Just as he fell asleep, he murmured. "Besides you egomaniac, would you have been okay with me making the first move?"

Harvey doesn't dignify the question with an answer because he's still Harvey Fucking Specter. In love or not, he was still the same cocky son of a bitch badass lawyer who always got the job done. He just so happened to love Mike Ross more then anything. And he was okay with that.

…

Later the next day, Harvey is coming back from a meeting with a client when he sees a bouquet of roses sitting on his desk through the glass. He takes a sideways glance at Donna, but the redhead doesn't even look at him. He picks the card off the red flowers, tilting his head again slightly to take another look at his assistant, a smirk covering his features. She turns her head, but Harvey catches the smile on her face before she did.

On the card was written, _Dear Harvey, I'm so not sorry for your loss. Love, Mike._

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><p><em>(AN) Hey, everyone! I hope you enjoyed it!_

_Do you think we should call them Marvey or Hike? I think I like Marvey! Lol. _

_With Love,_

_Kitty!  
><em>


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